How to Be a Better Dater
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When people know you write about dating/relationships, you get asked about bad dates a lot. How many have you been on? What happened? They want the gory details. I usually disappoint these people by telling them the truth: I only went on one really bad date, and in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t even completely awful. He drank too much and talked about his shady past. I didn’t know how to exit once it was clear I wasn’t interested. Yet I’ve heard PLENTY of horror stories that are much worse.
If anything, I end up going on mediocre dates more than bad ones. The other person is pleasant enough, we have a decent time, but after dinner/coffee/a drink or two, I’m definitely ready to go home. In a way, mediocre dates are the worst of them all. They’re not so bad that you can keep your friends laughing for hours as you give the play-by-play of what happened, yet they weren’t good enough to get you excited about future possibilities. Mediocre dates are purgatory.
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On the other side of the spectrum are the excellent dates, the four-leaf clover of the dating world. I went on an excellent date recently, which got me thinking about the anatomy of a great date and how we can all try to save each other from dating mediocrity. A few ideas include:
- Be decisive: Dating is awkward because you don’t know each other well yet and you don’t want to do anything to offend the other person. But sometimes you fall into a trap where neither person wants to say, ” I want to go to this restaurant” or “Let’s meet at this bar.” Instead, you go back and forth for hours trying to get the other person to suggest a plan so you don’t have to. During my great date, the guy I went out with had a restaurant he wanted to try. He asked if it sounded good to me. It did. He suggested a time and asked if that worked for me. It did. He made a reservation. Done. That decisiveness was refreshing. If you’ve got a place in mind, suggest it. The worst that can happen is the other person vetoes.
- Make life easier on your date: I once had a date ask me to meet him at a bar in the middle of downtown Charlotte (we actually call it uptown) on a weekend, which required me Ubering there alone and trying to find him in a tidal wave of drunk people. I’m a big girl and this is no issue, but I always appreciate when my date thinks about the logistics from my perspective. The date I went on recently picked me up and dropped me back off at my door. Not necessary, but definitely sweet. Also, this one’s for the gentlemen: I know you don’t have to worry about this and therefore it probably doesn’t even cross your mind, but it can be scary to be a woman wandering through a city or parking lot at night. We’re tough and independent, but the reality is that we also watch a lot of CSI. Walk us to our cars! We don’t NEED it, but it’s a nice gesture. Just thought I’d point that out!
- The details count: I almost fell on the ground when my date showed up with flowers. FLOWERS. I mean, right? I’m not saying everyone should bring flowers to every date, but that was definitely impressive. My friend’s a big beer enthusiast and she went on a date recently where the guy showed up with a bottle of beer he knew she’d been wanting to try. These little gestures get things off to a great start.
And finally, dating involves a lot of game playing and analysis, like it or not, and can be pretty stressful. If you want to be a better dater, make it a point to put the person you’re sitting across from at ease. A compliment can make a big difference when it comes to setting the tone of the evening. Know that your date is probably nervous too, so some nice words about their choice of restaurant/sense of humor/outfit/anything can help to keep them relaxed and make it more fun for everyone.